last night i got into a car accident... it was my fault. my lights were off and i didn't realize because it had just got dark. anyway an elderly lady in mustang jumped out bam... screwed right fender and shredded brand new tire. this is the fisrt accident i have ever been in, and it shook me to the bone. the first thing i did when i realized the car was gonna hit us was reach over to my fiancee and try to pull her away from the door. no one was hurt thank the lord, but it has set a painful series of inconveniences and hassels my way, and lord only knows if bills.

i guess the real thing that is on my mind, is how in touch i am with my and the one i love's mortality. she tells me that its not really my fault it was an accident and she didn't notice my lights either, she partly thinks it is her fault because she wanted to go out. but that isnt the point... one more foot... one more second and the car would have t-boned us, and she could be dead. and i would have been the reason... i'm not beating myself up really because that isnt the point either... the point is this... i need my life in order... its time for things to change... i got this arcane glimpse of the universe and i have a new outlook on several things. for one, i'm more in love with that girl today than i ever have been. she was a huge support and help today in getttin the car back out of the impound. another thing is hwo crappy my life is, how much i leave to chance and how i don't do things the way they are supposed to be done, how i let things go until they are to far gone to save. i do this with friends and family, i dont call and i dont write for so long that it becomes akward to call or write, so i just let it go until its like a year and the only reason i speak to them is because im home. i could have been hurt or killed and my brother wouldn't have spoken to me since i wa home last in march. my parents would think that i hated them. its like i saw all my regrets and shortcomings and was hit with a giant urge to rebuild bridges... and find god.

this year has been tough, i struggled to get out of fort lauderdale to move here in orlando with my girl, my truck was stolen in the process and i had to work a million hours a week to get the money for a new car... my 79 fairmont, the one that has a nasty fender now... but is still kicking, our cat died last week and we got two new ones but they were deathy ill and we had to nurse them back to health... things were getting to normal agian and then last night...

thru all this though i have optimism... i believe all things happen for a reason, and maybe the reason is to light this new fire under my ass... lets hope it lasts.